rEASONS i THREW THE BURGER AWAY::::

1-WE HAD A BURGER FROM cream last week Wednesday
2- We had an even bigger burger from Sparkle last week Friday.
3. I had bannana bread for my snack at 0930.
4-I went for the burger at 0130 (4hrs later not bad)
5-I really enjoyed the half of the burger that I'd eaten.
6_

side note: I had those burgers, but, I didn't really enjoy them like I'd wanted to because the fries and the burger were cold once I'd start eating. This was different because I could eat all the food while it was hot. SAVING THE FOOD AND THEN WARMING IT UP LATER WOULD HAVE

7-warmed up food doesn't taste as good.
8-I need to go back to eating my regular breakfast
9-I don't want to be controlled by the food
10- By throwing the food away, I'm still in control of it.
11-It wasn't tasting good anymore.
12-I really didn't want to pack that food all the way back home

Somebody asked me if I had gained weight. The funny thing about that was that I was just thinking to myself that losing weight has to be a PERSONAL journey. Ajourney that is only all about the person that is trying to lose the weight. I had been thinking along those lines becasue once you lose a good amount of the weight it's not exciting anymore. Nobody is asking questions or giving comments. It's just old hat. The only person thinking about it is the person that is going through it. That person is constantly thinking about it. You are trying to figure out where you are at, where you are going and even sometimes where you came from. YOu wonder what people are saying about you, you wonder what you feel about yourself.

See, I have decided that I am at a pretty good weight. I mean I am smaller than I have ever been in my adult life. That is really saying something. I like being about to say that. I like the way I look, I like the way I fel. I ste out to see how the "other" half lived. I now know how they live. I like it. But, it's not as exciting as I thought it would be. I thought there would be more to it. More accolades. More people patting you on the back, more people congratulating you. (Even though I don't like all that, and I wouldn't even want that kind of attention, I still thought..). But it's not like that. It's just me fighting an invisible foe all the time. Not really anybody to talk to about it, not really much to say, but yet a lot going on. It really takes up a lot of my mental space to do this. I ask myself "am I ready to keep going" am I ready to quit"? "Is it worth it" "WHAT am I really doing""what was my goal," "what was my plan" what's the plan now" "is it time to coast" "do I push just as hard" "Is it still working"?

So many questions. NO answers. I want to type just determination, but is that what is keeping me going?

I like the way my body looks now. I like so cute in my clothes. But see that brings me to another issue.

Well, well, I was just thinking about smoking and I realized that the outcome of this smoking thing will be the same as what happened with smoking. Give it some time and soon nobody will give a damn about whether you lost weight or not. Nobody will even remember what you've been through. The truth is that it has already been a year and they probaly have forgotten already. The only thing that may jar their memory is if one of them thinks that they see a small gain or a huge loss. But other than that, nothing.


I realize that life is more than pounds lost or cigarettes not smoked. A lot more. But sometimes I get a little caught up. A little caught up worrying about things that really don't matter, or if they do matter they only matter to me. Sometimes I say "them" , but sometimes it's just me. Maybe what I am saying is that I really do crave the attention more than I care to admit. I hope not.