I have not been eating good for a few days now. I have had a lot on my mind and I have been stressed out. Most of it had to do with me feeling inadequate about what I was able to do for my kids for Christmas. I would have liked to do more, but I couldn't. I just didn't have enough money and was no way to rectify that. I was broke. There was a promise of a credit card coming, but it got stolen and I had no plan b. But that's a whole nother post.

What is going on with me now is kind of a catch 22 situation. The catch 22 is that I am stressed and it is also that these are the holidays. Another monkey wrench in this plan is that it's TOM. But let's stick with the first two. Stress. I know that siince I have been stressed, I don't have saiety as I once was. I'm just not getting full like I had been before. The bad part about this is that this is causing more stress.


I don't know how to proceed. I feel like I should just ride this out. Go with it. Give in. Let it happen. See where it takes me. I feel like fighting it is the wrong thing to do. Fighting it causes me more stress and it seems to make the urges stronger. It seems to make me feel like I am being denied some basic human right which makes me mad. It also makes me feel poor. Poor like when I lived with Betty poor.

Eating makes me feel rich, like I have arrived. It makes me fell like they can't ever deny me again as long as I can go and pick up anything I choose to eat. No mater what I have been denied, as long as I can leave that place and go and have whatever I desired, the denial didn't happen.

So, this week when I think about my inability to purchase or provide things the way I wanted to, my next thought would be food. There was no consideration for what I had eaten, or how my stomach felt, just a need to replace those thoughts with food.

It seemed that as long as I was eating, I couldn't think about lack. It's like the food gave my brain some signal that everything was ok. It replaced that bad thought with a good feeling.

Yesterday, I had decided that it would be ok for me to eat McDonalds. I felt like it could be comforting and that it was ok to be comforted. I made up my mind that I would even have a apple pie. But it was xmas eve and they were closed. I almost cried. The tears formed in my eyes. That was bad. But what I did was replaced those thoughts with thoughts of another old favorite, convinience store hot dogs, chips, soda, and honey bun. Just like old times. The mixture. I have had a mixture like that in almost a year. But it was nothing to go right back to it. Nothing. Now to my own credit, I didn't eat it like I would have last year, all together. A bite of this and then a bite of the honey bun. I actually didn't even eat the bun, I gave it to D, but the fact that I bought it with the intention of eating it like I used to is a little unnerving. I did however eat the entire hot dog. It wasn't that good and I ate long after I should have stopped is what is bothering me about that. It was like I had no control. I haven't seen myself like this in a long time. I also haven't eaten in the car in a long time either. That's was when I really got concerned about the whole thing. I mean, I felt like I should have been able to contain myself until I was in a better position to eat. I just felt like Iwas an old dog with no control.

Today ain't much better. I am not practicing control today either. I am just eating whenever I think of a combination that sounds good. I think I have opened 3 sodas in the last 4 hours. Noalthough I have not drank even one third of those sodas, I know that this behavior is out of control for me. Hell, it's terrible for anybody to behave this way.

ANd sleep, I have been sleep all day. I wake up long enough to go and find something to "taste" in the kitchen. Grazing. I had completely cut that out of my life. I see what it is doing to Lor, so why am I doing it to myself?

I have a thought and I act on it. I just can't believe this is me behaving this way. I know that it will be there tomorrow. I know what to do if it ain't. I just don't know why I am behaving this way.

Now I did say that I am going to enjoy my holidays, just like I did for Thanksgiving. I didn't beat up myself for that. So, why am I feeling so negative about eating this time. Is it because I am eating and on top of that I am having the blues? Is that why I feel so hopeless about it? Is that why I am afraid that I can't come out of it. Would it help if I allow myself to eat within reason and yet have a positive attitude?

How much of this has to do with me needing to stand up for mysel fand now wanting to sabatoge myself? How much of this is giving another person exactly what they want? How much of this is just playing right into that persons plans to get me to give up myself the same way I have for the last 20 years? How much of this is being afraid to get to the next level? How many times have I been here before? How many things have I failed to do because I get scared? Am I scared?

There are always going to issues.

This is my fork in the road. All of my life I have chosen to go the route with the good food. The route that has the big stomach, the extremely large breast, legs that rub together. I always chose the the fried chicken lane. For some reason it made me feel loved, safe, secure, steady, alive. It was always something that needed to be worked on. Even if I didn't actually work on it, it was on the to do list. So, what happens to the Baretta we all know and love if I conquer this? If she beats this? If I just choose not let it control me? What if I conquer it? I won't even know who she is and that is scary. How will I deal with problems if I can't eat them away?



There has been no thought of FOOD IS FOR FUEL, OR FOOD IS NOT FOR ENTERTAINMENT, OR FOOD IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. All of that has held no place



But I know that won't work because it won't ever end.