Why did I start doing this weight loss thing?

1-I wanted to do it for once in my life. 2-I wanted to see what it felt like to be the person that I knew I was destined to be. 3-I wanted to stop hiding from my authentic self. 4-My stomach had already shrunk due to sickness, so it was easy to just start working on cutting back. 5-I didn't want weight to be an issue with my transplant.

SUCCESS SABOTAGE

I really want to write about this topic because there are so many things happening to me and with me right now. Weight loss carries a lot of responsibility along with it. I've always known that and maybe that's some of the reason that I haved avoided trying to lose weight.

I am not comfortable with all these people wanting to share their opinions about me with me. I am stronger now and in a much better position to handle them but I am not comfotable with it.

Another thing I am not quite comfortable with is buying stuff for myself. I feel like I am taking something from my kids when I buy for myself. It's funny how I can only think of one sentence to type, but in my mind it is such a big issue.

I'll get new tennis (my rock-a-dots) soon. I am so excited about getting them. I have new scrubs to wear with them and everything. Come on Fed Ex get them to me. Hopefully by next Monday they will be here. I will try to save all my new outfits until then.


I am going to just PRAY HARDER. That's the only thing I can do when I feel like this. Nothing else makes sense. Trying to figure it out is fruitless. In fact, I don't want to figure it out, I just want to enjoy myself. I just want to live.


Goofynina died last week. She was only 40 years old. I do not look at her death as a sad thing, I look at it as a reason for me to get over all this stuff that is bothering me and get on with living. I look at as an indication of just how short life really is and how we should let go of the small stuff and jus tfocus on things that really matter to us.

I struggled this weekend. I also tried to feed the demon. Something inside would tell me that I would feel much better if I would just have the ....It didn't work. I went to Church's, Popeye's Chacho's, Kentucky, Wendy's and Sheryl's this weekend. None of it made me feel better. I ate cake, drank juice, drove around, put on clothes all in the name of food. NOthing worked. I felt mean as hell. I struggled. I'm still struggling. I guess this is just part of the process.

But tonight was a little different. I chose tuna as my lunch/dinner for work. I figured that even if I ate a lot(which is a bad way to look at it), the tuna would be a good choice because it is low in calories. I ate a small bag of chips with it. I didn't finish the chips, I save some for my lunch at home after I get off the machine. I toasted the bread for my sandwiches because I felt like that would be more satisfying. It was. I took one piece of bread and cut it in half and made a sandwich twice instead of having one sandwich with 2 peices of bread. I think that made me feel like I was getting more also. I still havemore than half of the tuna left. I am going to eat it today, but not for breakfast. For breakfast I am going to eat my toast and 1/2 of a weiner. The other day I had toast, 1/2 weiner, and 1/2 egg for breakfast. I think that was bout 70+35+35=140 cals. That was a good breakfast. Now if I have milk that increases the cals quite a bit. But if I could keep it down to half a cup that would be good. But honestly a 200 or300 cal breakfast aint bad. Especially since I won't have the egg every day.

Today I realize that I am busy worring about my own weight that I don't have time to worry about nobody elses'. My weight keeps me busy enough.

Am I just getting bored with this whole thing? I mean the scale hasn't moved form 95 in a while. But I didn't intend for it to. I made up my mind that I was working on the maintenance phase months ago. So, I really wasn't expecting any losses. Maybe in the back of my mind I was. Maybe I felt the losses would continue even without me trying.

Maybe my body just wants to get back to that larger size..... Maybe this is not normal for me to be this size. I mean I haven't been this size ever. Size 10? I still don't believe it and I havn't been right since.

Self-sabotage. It is real. I do do it. *Fear of success.* (crickets)

I got full after my tuna tonight though. I am thankful for that. I didn't think I knew how to get full anymore. I shouldn't say that. I got full today after I ate a thigh and half my fries and half a biscuit at Kentucky. I was totally satisfied.

I am soooo hungry. I haven't been this hungry in about a year. But here I sit today, thinking about what food I could eat and how fast I could eat it.

It's depressing me. I am having mood swings.

But I am just going to have to fight thru this one just like I did all the others. But for some reason, I feel like this one is different. Cravings to end all cravings. They are all the same, though, just different tactics that the devil is using to to get me to sabotage my commitment. Commitment, what a nice word. I am committed to this. Some times I lose sight of exactly what I am doing. Some times I wonder if I have already done what I set out to do.

See, part of the problem is that I have never been this sucessful before. I didn't see this one coming. Me, in a medium pair of pants and a large (with no x's) shirt. I feel like I have been sucker punched, in a good way, but punched all the same.

My mantras at the beginning of this were: FOOD IS NOT MY FRIEND, FOOD IS NOT FOR ENTERTAINMENT. And there is no day that thisis more eveident than it is now. See, I have been eating when I wanted to and once the food is gone, I still don't feel lany different. I still feel exactly the same. My mind keeps telling me that something would be different if I ate this...or something would be different if I ae that. Not true, not true at all.