I struggled this weekend. I also tried to feed the demon. Something inside would tell me that I would feel much better if I would just have the ....It didn't work. I went to Church's, Popeye's Chacho's, Kentucky, Wendy's and Sheryl's this weekend. None of it made me feel better. I ate cake, drank juice, drove around, put on clothes all in the name of food. NOthing worked. I felt mean as hell. I struggled. I'm still struggling. I guess this is just part of the process.

But tonight was a little different. I chose tuna as my lunch/dinner for work. I figured that even if I ate a lot(which is a bad way to look at it), the tuna would be a good choice because it is low in calories. I ate a small bag of chips with it. I didn't finish the chips, I save some for my lunch at home after I get off the machine. I toasted the bread for my sandwiches because I felt like that would be more satisfying. It was. I took one piece of bread and cut it in half and made a sandwich twice instead of having one sandwich with 2 peices of bread. I think that made me feel like I was getting more also. I still havemore than half of the tuna left. I am going to eat it today, but not for breakfast. For breakfast I am going to eat my toast and 1/2 of a weiner. The other day I had toast, 1/2 weiner, and 1/2 egg for breakfast. I think that was bout 70+35+35=140 cals. That was a good breakfast. Now if I have milk that increases the cals quite a bit. But if I could keep it down to half a cup that would be good. But honestly a 200 or300 cal breakfast aint bad. Especially since I won't have the egg every day.

Today I realize that I am busy worring about my own weight that I don't have time to worry about nobody elses'. My weight keeps me busy enough.

Am I just getting bored with this whole thing? I mean the scale hasn't moved form 95 in a while. But I didn't intend for it to. I made up my mind that I was working on the maintenance phase months ago. So, I really wasn't expecting any losses. Maybe in the back of my mind I was. Maybe I felt the losses would continue even without me trying.

Maybe my body just wants to get back to that larger size..... Maybe this is not normal for me to be this size. I mean I haven't been this size ever. Size 10? I still don't believe it and I havn't been right since.

Self-sabotage. It is real. I do do it. *Fear of success.* (crickets)

I got full after my tuna tonight though. I am thankful for that. I didn't think I knew how to get full anymore. I shouldn't say that. I got full today after I ate a thigh and half my fries and half a biscuit at Kentucky. I was totally satisfied.